Alone

You're Not Alone
--- Saosin

It's just like him

To wander off in the evergreen park
Slowly searching for any sign
Of the ones he used to love..

He says he's got nothing left to live for
(He says he's got nothing left...)
And this time I think you'll know..

You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

She's just like him
Spoiled rotten
Confused by the lies she's been fed
And she's searching for no one..
(But herself)
Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy
That she is here
And this time I think you'll know...

You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out

(There is more to know)

We're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell..
(So tell me)

You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
(Make it out)
You will live to tell
(Live to tell)
You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
(And I know)
You can make it out
You will live to tell..

You are not alone.
You're not, you're not alone.

Change

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.”

--- Elbert Hubbard

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”
--- Barack Obama


“When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can't make them change if they don't want to, just like when they do want to, you can't stop them.”
--- Andy Warhol, Andy Warhol in His Own Words

People inherently are afraid of change. We like our routines, our ways of life, the ways we go about each and every day. When something causes us to be deviated from that, some people fret. Others push through and realize that it is only a minor speed bump in the highway we call life. Some other people don't think that change can be permanent, that it was merely an abberant. 

If people had not changed or learned to adapt, mankind would not be where it is today. We would still be living in caves, hunting with rocks and sharpened sticks. To believe that we as humans aren't still evolving day in and day out is absurd. I can understand why people would believe that certain individuals cannot truly change. When you admit to being an addict (drug, alcohol, shopping, sex, etc.) you are always that. At that point, the only way to make others believe you are not currently that is by your actions. You must be able to be strong enough to resist temptation all around you. Even as far back as the beginning of time (God's creation if that is your belief), there has been temptation. Eve didn't resist the temptation to eat the fruit and for that, all of mankind was cast from the Garden of Eden. 

Change is to make different in some particular aspect. I have made the decision to make changes in my life. I was leading a life that was way out of control. I was in jeopardy of losing my job, my friends, and ultimately my marriage. I have realized the pain I have caused those closest to me. It pains me to know the amount of hurt I have caused so many people. Change doesn't come easy and sometimes is not going to come without some help and support. I have sought out my help and I have those still closest to me for support. For those who do not believe people are able to change and truly be different, I ask you to continue to follow me. I will be sure to post as often as I can to allow you a glimpse into my progress. I know I will always have a description of being what I was, so I am going to make my actions speak volumes over my words. I know it is a long, uphill road to regain trust from some people, but I assure you, with the help, support, and guidance I have and will receive, that I will get to where I want to be. 

First EVER Poem

With hair of gold
And personality so bold
With legs so long
How could it be wrong?
My love for you is deep
Makes my heart leap
I want to be with no one but you
I hope you realize this to be true
Forever I will be at your side
Forever I'll be yours to confide
Your inner most thoughts & feelings
Our love will have no ceilings
Things may not always be perfect
But I'll never give you a reason to suspect
My mistakes are over
I know they've cause you to cover
Your heart from further pain
I promise never to hurt you again (long a)
I LOVE YOU with all my heart
Let's try to give this marriage another start
What do you say,
My beautiful & sexy Bay-Bay?

Silver Linings

Life is full of crappy occurrences. From jobs/careers we don't like, to being dumped, to death, around many corners is the feeling of unhappiness or despair. Many people like to say that there is always a silver lining to every dark cloud. Usually the person experiencing the crappy occurrences is not going to automatically see the silver lining, but 9 times out of 10, they are there. Sometimes you just need to time in order to see them. There is no reason to dwell on the bad stuff. If you do that, it will just eat away at you and destroy you from the inside out (both literally and figuratively).

Due to occurrences in my life currently, I have come to the realization that I cannot dwell on things that are out of my control. I have been trying to make the best of these situations. My mom tended to say, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade", and that is so true. Although, I would say at this point to add some Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka and make it a spiked lemonade tea, much tastier. But in any event, you just have to see some good in all aspects of your life. It may not be easy to do, and you might need the help of others, but there is always good that comes with bad. It is the universes way of duality, the yin to the yang.

Chinese philosophy states that the yin & the yang are interdependent. Meaning, you cannot have one with out the other. Yin & Yang are not static, rather constantly changing balance. Too much of either can cause disharmony in one's life. Hence the basis of, if you constantly live in the negative (pessimism) then it will seem that everything is always bad or not going the way you would like.

Seinfeld had an episode where Jerry seemed to always catch a break whenever something "bad" would happen. He lost a gig, got another one, Elaine threw out $20 onto the street, and he found another one in his coat pocket. George also experiences his own bit of opposite in this episode. He decided to do everything the opposite of what his normal instincts would have told him to do. In doing so, he gets a date with a beautiful woman, a job interview with his beloved Yankees, and even tells "Steinbrenner" what he truly thinks about his ownership style. Elaine has her own issues but in the negative aspect. She is being thrown out of her apartment complex, and her boss ends up irritating some potential investors, because she was infatuated with JuJu Fruits and could not alert him to forgetting his handkerchief. She proclaims that she is becoming George. Jerry's life is seemingly in balance since George is doing very well and Elaine was not doing well.

There will always be problems in your life. There will always be disappointment and periods of unhappiness. You just have to be strong enough to understand that it will turn around. It might not happen like turning on a light switch, but it will get better. Have faith that time will provide that turn around for you.

Help

When we are young, we all need help. From the day we are born, we rely on others to feed us, wash us, clothe us, and to keep us safe. As we get older, we all tend to want to do more on our own. From feeding ourselves, to dressing ourselves, to even learning to tie our shoes or ride a bike. While we may not succeed right away, we want to know that we have done it ourselves. We tend to get away from asking or looking for help. When we become adults, some of us feel too proud to ask for help. Whether it be a loan from a family member or friend for a house or car, or it be from a professional for an addiction or personal problem, many of us tend to have reservations about it. Some may say that is a sign of weakness to ask for help. I was definitely one of those people.

At first, I didn't even think I really had a problem, but as things in my life began to spiral out of control, I came to realize that I was not going to be able to conquer my issue on my own. I was in denial and had it not been for certain things happening in my life, I may still have not sought out help. But I have began to realize that help is not for the weak, it is for us all. I tend to bring in sports references when talking about my life and about topics that I have been writing about, because it is something very familiar with me. A golfer may be on his own as far as striking the ball, but he or she has assistance from their caddies, a swing coach, and maybe even a psychologist to help with the mental aspect. A pitcher cannot beat a team on his own (no pitcher has ever struck out 27 batters in a game and even if he did, he would still have at the very least his catcher to provide assistance). Last night Matt Cain (SF Giants) through the 22nd perfect game in MLB history. Had it not been for catches made by Melky Cabrera (6th) and Gregor Blanco (7th), that would not have been the case.

My family and I have received much assistance over the past couple of weeks from many family and friends of ours. From recommendations, to groceries, to full on dinners bought for us and brought to our home, everyone has been so supportive of us in our time of great sadness. We lean on each other when things feel difficult and we have been able to lean on others as well. While we more than likely would have been good over the past couple of weeks, the help from others has made things easier to deal with. While no one can take away the pain, we have been able to cope with it more since other aspects of our lives have been catered to. I know I am forever grateful to have the love, support, and assistance of my family and friends.

We all make mistakes in life. One mistake made by many is not feeling comfortable enough to reach out to someone who cares and ask for help. It doesn't make you any less of a person to receive help. We as humans will make mistakes. Sometimes we just need someone from the outside to help show us the wrong, as well as show us the right. I am very thankful that I have finally opened my eyes and realized all of this. I feel better about myself and believe that there is still much more growth I will go through with the help of others.

Help - The Beatles (1965)

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these daya are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

Young - As a state of mind

Monarchs - Coed Softball Champs 2010

Ever hear the expression, "You are only as old as you feel"? Well that could never be more true than the day after any sort of sporting event for me. I know I am not getting any younger and certain experiences when I was younger have taken a toll on my body for the future. I just wish that the adrenaline rush I must have while playing in the games themselves would carry on to the morning after. I am currently playing for one baseball team (in two leagues) and one soccer league (as the goalie). Neither of which require me to do a ton of running at one time, but still take a lot out of my 32 year old frame.

Westampton Coed Softball Champs 2010

I love sports. I have been playing baseball since I was 5, played soccer from age 6-17 (when I broke my leg playing in a game) and went back to it again last winter (indoor) and then by just a random act of fate, ran into some of the guys I played with last year and they were in need of a goalie. I also bowl, golf, play pickup games of basketball and hockey if asked. I don't think I will stop playing sports unless 1. I have a child of my own, in which I will teach him/her everything I know about any sport they would like to play or 2. My body completely shuts down on me and I am physically unable to. Seeing as though I have played through many injuries in my days (including bowling 2 days after having arthroscopic shoulder surgery on my non-bowling shoulder), I don't expect that I will allow some basic aches and pains to slow me down. I will just continue to take my advil/aleve after, possibly ice down the knees or elbow, and do it all over again the next night.

Holly & I at Doubleday Field - Cooperstown, NY 2011 (Champions)

If you start letting your age dictate what you do, you will age much quicker than you should. You should be out enjoying the fresh air, taking walks with your loved ones or your dogs (if you have them) or in very extreme (and rare) cases, your cat. Not only are you giving them some exercise, you are getting some yourself. And who couldn't use a little daily exercise here and there? I recently realized how much television I was watching when I looked at our DVR list we made when we had planned to get a new DVR box. It is astonishing! I have made it a point that we take the dogs for more walks or play with them more in the back yard or at a park of sorts. I don't want us to just sit around on the couch like lazy bums while we still can be active and enjoy everything that there is out there.

"If you want something to happen, you have to really want it to happen." 

Nothing could be more true in my life right now. I want to be a healthy, active me, so I am going to do everything I can to make myself that. I want to have a happy, healthy, loving relationship with my wife, so I am working at it, step by step, so that I will be better for her and for us. I want to be a father some day, so I will do anything I can to make that happen. 

"... being brought up to believe that life was just easy. Life is not easy. If you take for granted that life will be easy, then anger develops, frustration, and riots." Dalai Lama (on UK riots - May 2012)

You have to do what makes you happy in life, but you also have to take care of yourself. Take care of yourself and those around you will want to take care of themselves as well (I know --- Sounds very Jerry Springer-ish, but I believe it). 

My 30th "Surprise" Birthday Party - The Family

Normal

A long week has come to an end. And while everything in life comes to an end at some point or another, it doesn't make it an easier to cope with. Memories, photos, videos will always be there to think about, see, or watch, but the actual is not there anymore. So how do we go back to "normal"? Is "normal" even really normal anymore? 

I decided I would go into work today and see what I can get accomplished after being out all of last week after the unexpected & untimely death of my mother. My siblings and I have had an outpouring of support from family, friends, co-workers, and those who knew our mother. While I am still very saddened by her loss, I felt as though I could come back and try to get back into the "swing of things". I am not too sure how it will work out, but as I have said with another blog post, all journeys begin with a single step. I just hope that I haven't taken a giant leap instead of just a step. I guess time will tell. 

As far as everything else is concerned, I am sure we will begin to see things die down as far as those coming by to see us, or calling to check and see if we need anything, as with any other thing in life, all must come to an end. But as Semisonic stated in Closing Time: "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." So that is how I will view this, a new beginning stemming from another's end. So I will keep my head held high, remember all of the great times, and look forward to the future. I have made many major decisions in the past couple of weeks and am I proud of each of them. Maybe not entirely happy, but proud none-the-less. I have a much more well-rounded outlook on life. Especially after everything that happened over the past few weeks, life is too short to be angry at trivial things or to hold grudges or to not love those who truly mean the most to you with all your heart. There is no "half-assing" it anymore for me. Live life to its fullest and have no regrets.

I thank everyone in my life for being supportive to me for not only my mother's passing, but also for my other issues. I am as strong as I am because of it. It will not be easy, nor will it be quick, or even ever ending for that matter. Time can heal wounds, but sometimes you need constant assistance in order to keep other things in check. I look forward to where ever my life leads me in the months and years to come. So as I continue to work on my family and especially on myself, I will try to figure out what "normal" is going to be for me now. 

I Love You Forever Mom!! Will be missing you lots from now till the time He takes me to be with you. I know you are watching over us all and that you are with loved ones. Just know that we will always remember your lessons and continue to work hard for each other. No need to worry, you taught us very well and we have each other to lean on when things get tough. Till we meet again..... MUAH!!

Courage

Courage : mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty


I have never thought of myself as courageous. I always think of courage and relate that to those who serve our country, police our streets, or brave flames to help those in need. Last night I had to, along with my sister and brother, find the courage to do what was right. As many of you may know, last night we lost our mother to some sort of complication that came after having 2 separate, unrelated surgeries in the matter of only four days. What some of you don't know is that my siblings and I had to decide what we thought that she would want us to do. And that decision was by far the single most difficult decision we will EVER make in our lives. We had the love and support of family and friends, but ultimately it was still ours to make. We will forever love and miss our mother, but we know that what we did would have been her wishes. Even if that made me pray that God take me instead of her, so that my siblings would not be without her. But we got the chance to say goodbye in our own ways, we prayed for her to be received by God, and were in a way relieved that she would no longer be in pain and would be reunited with her parents.


While the sadness of losing a loved one, especially as suddenly as it was, is immense, my siblings and I still have each other to lean on as well as many, many family and friends. We will never forget all of the lessons that she taught us. She cared so much for us, she was always there for our ball games, track meets, field hockey, parent-teacher conferences, and at any time that we had problems, she was there to talk us through them and give us her advice. Mom also made sure that we would know when she was disappointed in any of us (which didn't happen all that often), but we also knew that she loved us very much and would support us in whatever we decided to do. We may not have had a lot of money or flashy cars, but we always had the love from her. She did anything that she could to make sure that we had a roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothes on our backs. 


I am so glad that we got the opportunity to spend Mother's Day with our mom out at a ball field. A familiar and loved area for us all. Brother & I both played baseball most of our childhood days while sister played softball. Mom loved watching us play and was one of my favorite bullpen catchers as a kid. Mom grew up watching the NY Mets and still would watch if they were on TV for her to watch while being down in Phillies country. Mom was definitely a NY sports "homer". I remember having mom come out to watch me play softball with my wife on our coed team the year we won the championship. I also had her come out to a baseball game, but that was a few years back. I know she was always happy to see me having a good time and doing well (sometimes they didn't always go hand in hand). I will have to figure out a way to pay tribute to her when I return to the diamond with my team. I know she will always be watching out for us.


There are still many things to get accomplished in the mean time, but my sister, brother and I are staying with each other and doing what we have to do keep each other strong and to move forward. I know that we will do well because we have been taught by the best. She will forever be our guardian angel and we can only hope to continue to make her proud. She was courageous till the end and if either of us three can have half the strength and determination that she had, then I think she should be very proud of how well she brought us up. 


We love you so much mom and while we are sad now, we will get through this. We will miss you more and more as time passes on but we will never forget the lessons you taught us, the love you showed us, and the courage you always had no matter what the situation we were in. Till the day we meet again...MUAH!

Scared

As kids we are scared of many different things. The dark, the boogie monster, vegetables, etc. When you become older and maybe sexually active, you get scared that you might get a girl pregnant or maybe contract an STD (if you are not practicing safe sex, which all who are not in committed relationships should be). Many people are scared that they are not going to live up to others expectations. As parents you tend to be scared for your children. You do everything you can to keep your children from having the same fears you had as children yourself. You figure different ways to in essence "trick" your kids in to thinking that a spray bottle will work as monster repellent, or you tell them silly stories about why thunderstorms happen to get them to be calm. But who is there when we get older to help us with our own fears? Fear of immortality, fear of failure, or fear of being alone. One way is to have supportive friends and family around to give you good advice, pick you up when you are feeling down, or just be a listening ear for those of us who want or need to vent.

The storms that ran through the region last night got me scared. Not necessarily for me, but for others that I care about. I couldn't do anything for them, other than give them warning. I kind of felt like I was in the movie "Twister". Of course this day and age we have alerting systems that work fairly well, but nothing is 100% accurate. I felt helpless because I couldn't be there for those who I care about because I know that they were frightened. So since I could not be there in person, I made sure that they were all informed of what was on the horizon as soon as I could. Everyone and everything is safe and that's not because of what I did, but prevention is key in situations like that. Without that you could have chaos and with chaos you can have serious injury. I know that many adults do not like storms like that anymore than children do. I was always told that when there was a thunderstorm going on, that it was just God bowling up in Heaven. And when there was lightening, that's when God got a strike. Most storms, I thought God must have been throwing a perfect game because there was always so much lightening.

I am very thankful that no one was hurt and that there was limited damage in the areas of the storm last night. I am also very thankful that I have such good friends to take care of looking over what I can't. Storms are just that. We have to forge our way through all sorts of storms, whether natures storms, or society's storms. I like to call them shi*t storms. I go through many of them per week with work. With each storm that you are able to make you way through, the stronger you become. You begin to realize that it isn't the end of the world and that you can make it through another one. With the right support and knowledge, anyone can make it through any storm brought their way. Don't be ashamed to be scared. Don't be scared to ask for help. We have all been scared at some point and it's always easier to be scared with someone else, especially if they have been there before you.

Memories

“Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they're also what tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“Sometimes things become possible if we want them bad enough.” 
― T.S. Eliot

Those two quotes seem so very true. Whenever I feel blue I tend to look to my right in my office. I have a multitude of pictures in frames. And whenever I have a homesick feeling late in the day, I could just look to my right and see the images of times in my past that I relive when I see them. Always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I have pictures of friends and family, and of other things I just thought were super cool. 

I have one picture, that was taken from an apartment I lived in about 5 years ago now, of 4 of my cats, all in a window together looking outside at something. Not sure what they are looking at, but I remember snapping the picture. My wife took it from my phone, had it printed out, and put it in a frame for me. I love that picture because in it are two cats that for one reason or another I no longer have.

 

I have another picture of my 2 dogs lying on a couch in the apartment my wife and I shared before moving to the house. I look at Shelbie (closer to arm of couch) and can't imagine how she got so big. She was so tiny when we first brought her home. I still have the picture in my phone from the day we got her from the pound. Wife always says it was the best thing I ever bought her. :) I also look at Pepper (pink collar) and wonder how is she the sister to Shelbie. I know they look identical, but Shelbie took to commands from the night we picked her up. She learned how to play fetch that night and to this day, even with the ailments she has had, still wants to play that each and every day. Pepper on the other hand, would much rather just come and rest in your lap and receive the loving that way. I love them both the same. 

Then there is this picture. So many memories of that day. I made it a point to not see her before she walked down the aisle from behind the mansion we were married next to. I wanted the "awww shucks" factor. I remember leaning over to one of the best men and saying, "Wow! She looks so beautiful!" This picture was taken after the ceremony, as we were in the back room for the bridal party, awaiting the moment we got to walk out to the crowd of family and friends who were there only for us. And even though we were announced as Mr. & Mrs. Eric Mark (both the name of my brother and my best friend [both best men]), and the fact that I got booed by many of my Philadelphia friends and her family, I knew that everyone was there for us, to see us joined as husband and wife. It was such a magical night.

Sometimes in life you need to be reminded of things you have done in your past. You need them to get you through the day, or to give you a smile when you are feeling blue. Sometimes though, they can tear you apart, because those times are in the past and may never be again. But I like to think that memories are what you want them to be. And the future is never written.

Doc Brown (from Back to the Future III) says "...your future hasn't been written yet. No one's has. Your future is whatever you make it. So make it a good one, both of you." 

So I am going to take the advice of a fictional character from an early 1990's movie and make a good future.....for both of us. 

Sign?

While sitting here in my office, my other estimators Pandora radio station played this...

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face 
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong 
I have figured out
How this world turns cold 
and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find 
deep inside me 
I can be the one

I will never let you fall(let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all(though it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
[to fade]

For those of you who do not know, that is "Your Guardian Angel" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Just happens to be the wedding song for my wife & I. 

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - "Your Guardian Angel"

I am sorry I didn't stick to this for you. 

Faith & Hope

Faith - : something that is believed especially with strong conviction
Hope - : to cherish a desire with anticipation


Those words have a new found meaning to me. Growing up, I knew faith as something associated with God and religion, which I got from my grandmother. Growing up, we all took hope as dreams or wishes. 


As I got older, I learned the different definitions of the words and like the two I have provided for you. I believe they are, in my opinion, the most accurate and also the most broad in their description of the words. I am going through some things now in my life where Faith & Hope are key components in my daily thinking. 


“Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”


“Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe.”


While I may not know what the future will bring for me, I hope that I will have the strength and guidance to get me where I need to be. I have faith in those around me to support me in what I am undertaking. As a human being, I have erred. I have accepted my wrong doings and will work to being more in control of my own actions. I have hid too long behind a facade and it is time for me to "man up" and do what is right, not necessarily what comes easy. 


On a more selfish note: I hope the NY Mets will continue to play as well as they do and that the Philadelphia Phillies play the way they have been. :) Sorry, had to have a little bit of fun in this sea of seriousness. Of course my faith in both of those scenarios happening tends to be squashed due to common sense and statistics. But one can hope, right?


I look forward to the journey ahead. I have a very good feeling that what I am going through now will make me an even stronger individual, more rounded, and ready to tackle all the naysayers out there. Have FAITH in me and I promise you will definitely see a change, for the MUCH, MUCH, better. 


Smarky