Apology

I am writing today as part of my own personal repentance. I know there are a number of steps that are followed with the anonymous programs and while I am not in one of those, I still felt it was necessary to atone for my actions. So here it goes...

To my family and my friends, I am terribly sorry for everything that I have caused. The acts that I committed were wrong and irresponsible of me. My mother raised me to be a better person and to her I am sincerely apologetic. I have made some very terrible decisions over the past couple/few years. I am in the process now of getting help for myself. While many of you may not be able to get past what has transpired and been aired out about me and the relationship I am in, I am not getting the help I need for you. For those of you without sin, I dare you to throw the first stone. I am admitting my wrongs and taking them on headstrong and eager to get them under control.

To those of you who are my true friends, thank you. Thank you for listening to me, talking me through things, and just being there as a shoulder to lean on. My life has been turned upside down and I am just doing what I can to assure that I will get back up on my feet and move forward. I know you will all be there for me when I do.

To BK & ECK, I meant everything I wrote to you in the messages I sent. I don't expect you to forgive or forget what happened, and again, I am terribly, terribly sorry.

Most importantly, to HLCM, I don't know if I will ever be able to truly show you how amazingly sorry I am for what I have done. I hope that in time, you see what I am doing and realize that I would take the Delorean back in time and kick the crap out of the guy I was. Since I can't, I will do my best to make sure my future is bright and clear.

Please take care of yourselves as I am going to take care of myself. I will show you all that I am serious and will make many of you proud to call  me your brother, son, friend, cousin, nephew, grandson, husband.

Thank you.

The heart knows best

I thought about something today that I thought I would share with you all...

When we are born, we don't know what we like. We rely on others to make the right decisions and typically they are correct. As we become older, we are provided with more of a spectrum of choices to make, but still controlled ultimately by others (typically your parents). As we get older still, say our pre-teen years, we begin to make more decisions on our own. We figure out what foods we like and dislike, we decide on what to wear, who to hang out with, and for the most part our parents give us more of a leeway with regards to those decisions. Teenage years we tend to be really start branching out on our own. A lot of that has to do with the fact that we get part time jobs and have our own income to use at our own discretion. And even then, while they may not directly make your decisions, advertising companies tend to sway your decisions. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good. But we try to learn from our choices. 

So now I am brought to our early adult years. Most of us will go off to college for 4-6 years depending on career choice. While in college, especially if you are away at school, you are presented with a plethora of decisions to make. Some of us are intelligent and strong enough to stand on our own and make the right decisions by ourselves. Others rely on friends, others still may seek out counsel from an adviser, professor, clergyman/woman or even revert back to their parents. Unfortunately, while the assistance received is great, it is only that, assistance. No one can make up your mind. You tend to have to look deep within to decide what to do. This trend seems to continue through your advanced adult age, usually through until you are much, much older and possibly of a lesser mind capacity. When you get to be that age, there are many of us that need to have our decisions made for us. While everyone may believe they are giving you the best advice, all it really is, is their opinion on what's best for you. You always have to look back within to decide what is right and good. 

Although every man believes that his decisions and resolutions involve the most multifarious factors, in reality they are mere oscillation between flight and longing.  ~Herman Broch

Follow your heart, because if you always trust your mind, you'll always act on logic, and logic doesn't always lead to happiness.

Life will always be full of difficult decisions. Those decisions can shape your life for all of time. Nothing great comes from little sacrifice. Trust in your heart and let happiness be your guide.

Loving & Losing

I guess the old adage of "You never know what you have till you lose it", is very, very true. And up until this past weekend, I probably would have never really known about that. I have caused great pain to a person that I care about greatly and now I am without that person. I know I still love that person, but because of my actions, we cannot be together for now. I know what my issues are and I know that I can work on them if I truly want to. I know that I want to get better because this person truly completes me. We may have our faults with each other, but who doesn't, right?

I am going to take this time to better myself for me, for my family, my friends, and more importantly, for the person that I have lost. I now hope that another statement I have heard before also comes true:

If you love someone let them go. If they stay away then they were never yours to begin with. If they come back then they are yours to keep forever.


I have begun praying nightly. Not so that things will magically change and things will go back to the way they were. But for strength and guidance in my fight for the person that should have always been my only priority in life. I would hope that those who are close to me will help support me in my tasks, but if not, I would at least ask that you not stand in my way. Thank you!