Mom - 3 years later

It's crazy to think that three years has passed since you were called away from Jessica, Eric, and I so supremely prematurely. Never a day goes by where we don't think about you and miss you terribly. We've all continued to live our lives with a chunk of our heart and soul missing with you not here. We do however make sure to remember all the lessons you taught us while you were here with us.

Tomorrow we will venture down to the beach as we've done the previous two years. And like the two years before, we will take a small piece of you with us and do as you always jokingly, but also seriously, would say for us to do; spread your ashes into the ocean so that maybe you'd end up in Paris. You always would joke saying, "It's the only way I'll ever get there."

We will be together as a family, along with my daughter, your granddaughter, Shea Ellen Lee. She is two years old now and every day I look into her eyes I am reminded of you. I to this day believe Shea was sent to us by you so that we would have something to love with you not here. I know you watch over her, but she is getting so big, she is learning so quickly, and she is loved by all who know her and get to spend time with her. I hope that in watching her, you see that I have taken all that I learned from you as a parent and have done my best to apply to her. When she gets a little older, we will be sure to show her more and more pictures of you and explain to her how much you would have spoiled her as your grandchild and how much fun you would have had, especially at Halloween as either a clown or your more favorite, a witch.

I know you always said you didn't want us kids to "have to come visit you after you passed", so please don't think that way. We are doing what we are doing tomorrow because we want to. We are going to celebrate your life, being in the place you loved very much, all together. You were always so proud of us growing up, you made us the way we are today. For that, we all thank you with all our hearts. We may be sad and shed tears tomorrow, but just know we will be OK, we just miss our mom greatly.

Thank you for all that you gave us; physically, mentally, and most importantly, emotionally. We will continue to make you proud even while you are no longer with us. Continue to be our angel and watch over us. We love you very much and miss you more each and every day!

 

Crazy Girl

The story of Sisyphus seems so close to the story of my life over the last year or so.  For those of you who do not know who Sisyphus is, he was a king (from Greek mythology) who was punished to roll a large boulder up a hill over and over and over again, only to have it roll back down to the base each time he neared the top.

I feel like no matter what progress I make, it feels like I am write back to the beginning (or base of the hill). I have made many mistakes in my life and none bigger than the one that happened only 2-1/2 weeks ago. I put myself, my wife, and possibly my co-workers in danger because of my stupidity. Even though I had been doing so well with my "recovery", I slipped up and I am now working at getting myself better. At this time, more people know of my "ailment" than I would have ever wanted to have know. But maybe that will work towards getting myself better and more capable of managing my everyday life. I know what my faults are and I know the consequences for my actions. Now I need to work on just making sure that the demons I allowed myself to succumb to in the past (including 2-1/2 weeks ago) won't be a part of my life any further.

Life is hard. There are many times when you think things are going well, something happens in your life to remind you that it is hard and that you won't just coast through. That doesn't necessarily mean though that it is impossible. Sometimes you just need some extra work. Marriage is a two way street and takes both parties to make it truly work. It is very rare these days that everything goes the way you want all the time. There will be bumps in the road and there will be fights. Eli Young Band's song "Crazy Girl" starts off with the lyrics:

Baby why you wanna cry?
You really oughta know that I
Just have to walk away sometimes

We're gonna do what lovers do
We're gonna have a fight or two
But I ain't ever changing my mind

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?

Now that being told, I am not calling my wife crazy, nor do I think if this song was written for a specific someone that the songwriter was calling his wife/significant other crazy. But I can relate to what is being said here. Men and women are wired very differently. Many women need to be reassured constantly that they are the center of their mans world. I want to let my wife know, and for all who decided to read this blog, that YOU ARE MY WORLD. I WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND NO ONE ELSE. I just need you to work with me, I need you to be able to meet in the middle on certain things and understand that not everything is what it seems to be on the exterior. You have put up with a heaping of shit and deserve the best. We need to express our thoughts and feelings in a more concise manner so that it's out on the table. I love you very much and plan to do so for many, many years to come.

Alone

You're Not Alone
--- Saosin

It's just like him

To wander off in the evergreen park
Slowly searching for any sign
Of the ones he used to love..

He says he's got nothing left to live for
(He says he's got nothing left...)
And this time I think you'll know..

You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

She's just like him
Spoiled rotten
Confused by the lies she's been fed
And she's searching for no one..
(But herself)
Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy
That she is here
And this time I think you'll know...

You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out

(There is more to know)

We're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell..
(So tell me)

You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
(Make it out)
You will live to tell
(Live to tell)
You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
(And I know)
You can make it out
You will live to tell..

You are not alone.
You're not, you're not alone.

Change

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.”

--- Elbert Hubbard

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”
--- Barack Obama


“When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can't make them change if they don't want to, just like when they do want to, you can't stop them.”
--- Andy Warhol, Andy Warhol in His Own Words

People inherently are afraid of change. We like our routines, our ways of life, the ways we go about each and every day. When something causes us to be deviated from that, some people fret. Others push through and realize that it is only a minor speed bump in the highway we call life. Some other people don't think that change can be permanent, that it was merely an abberant. 

If people had not changed or learned to adapt, mankind would not be where it is today. We would still be living in caves, hunting with rocks and sharpened sticks. To believe that we as humans aren't still evolving day in and day out is absurd. I can understand why people would believe that certain individuals cannot truly change. When you admit to being an addict (drug, alcohol, shopping, sex, etc.) you are always that. At that point, the only way to make others believe you are not currently that is by your actions. You must be able to be strong enough to resist temptation all around you. Even as far back as the beginning of time (God's creation if that is your belief), there has been temptation. Eve didn't resist the temptation to eat the fruit and for that, all of mankind was cast from the Garden of Eden. 

Change is to make different in some particular aspect. I have made the decision to make changes in my life. I was leading a life that was way out of control. I was in jeopardy of losing my job, my friends, and ultimately my marriage. I have realized the pain I have caused those closest to me. It pains me to know the amount of hurt I have caused so many people. Change doesn't come easy and sometimes is not going to come without some help and support. I have sought out my help and I have those still closest to me for support. For those who do not believe people are able to change and truly be different, I ask you to continue to follow me. I will be sure to post as often as I can to allow you a glimpse into my progress. I know I will always have a description of being what I was, so I am going to make my actions speak volumes over my words. I know it is a long, uphill road to regain trust from some people, but I assure you, with the help, support, and guidance I have and will receive, that I will get to where I want to be. 

First EVER Poem

With hair of gold
And personality so bold
With legs so long
How could it be wrong?
My love for you is deep
Makes my heart leap
I want to be with no one but you
I hope you realize this to be true
Forever I will be at your side
Forever I'll be yours to confide
Your inner most thoughts & feelings
Our love will have no ceilings
Things may not always be perfect
But I'll never give you a reason to suspect
My mistakes are over
I know they've cause you to cover
Your heart from further pain
I promise never to hurt you again (long a)
I LOVE YOU with all my heart
Let's try to give this marriage another start
What do you say,
My beautiful & sexy Bay-Bay?

Silver Linings

Life is full of crappy occurrences. From jobs/careers we don't like, to being dumped, to death, around many corners is the feeling of unhappiness or despair. Many people like to say that there is always a silver lining to every dark cloud. Usually the person experiencing the crappy occurrences is not going to automatically see the silver lining, but 9 times out of 10, they are there. Sometimes you just need to time in order to see them. There is no reason to dwell on the bad stuff. If you do that, it will just eat away at you and destroy you from the inside out (both literally and figuratively).

Due to occurrences in my life currently, I have come to the realization that I cannot dwell on things that are out of my control. I have been trying to make the best of these situations. My mom tended to say, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade", and that is so true. Although, I would say at this point to add some Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka and make it a spiked lemonade tea, much tastier. But in any event, you just have to see some good in all aspects of your life. It may not be easy to do, and you might need the help of others, but there is always good that comes with bad. It is the universes way of duality, the yin to the yang.

Chinese philosophy states that the yin & the yang are interdependent. Meaning, you cannot have one with out the other. Yin & Yang are not static, rather constantly changing balance. Too much of either can cause disharmony in one's life. Hence the basis of, if you constantly live in the negative (pessimism) then it will seem that everything is always bad or not going the way you would like.

Seinfeld had an episode where Jerry seemed to always catch a break whenever something "bad" would happen. He lost a gig, got another one, Elaine threw out $20 onto the street, and he found another one in his coat pocket. George also experiences his own bit of opposite in this episode. He decided to do everything the opposite of what his normal instincts would have told him to do. In doing so, he gets a date with a beautiful woman, a job interview with his beloved Yankees, and even tells "Steinbrenner" what he truly thinks about his ownership style. Elaine has her own issues but in the negative aspect. She is being thrown out of her apartment complex, and her boss ends up irritating some potential investors, because she was infatuated with JuJu Fruits and could not alert him to forgetting his handkerchief. She proclaims that she is becoming George. Jerry's life is seemingly in balance since George is doing very well and Elaine was not doing well.

There will always be problems in your life. There will always be disappointment and periods of unhappiness. You just have to be strong enough to understand that it will turn around. It might not happen like turning on a light switch, but it will get better. Have faith that time will provide that turn around for you.

Help

When we are young, we all need help. From the day we are born, we rely on others to feed us, wash us, clothe us, and to keep us safe. As we get older, we all tend to want to do more on our own. From feeding ourselves, to dressing ourselves, to even learning to tie our shoes or ride a bike. While we may not succeed right away, we want to know that we have done it ourselves. We tend to get away from asking or looking for help. When we become adults, some of us feel too proud to ask for help. Whether it be a loan from a family member or friend for a house or car, or it be from a professional for an addiction or personal problem, many of us tend to have reservations about it. Some may say that is a sign of weakness to ask for help. I was definitely one of those people.

At first, I didn't even think I really had a problem, but as things in my life began to spiral out of control, I came to realize that I was not going to be able to conquer my issue on my own. I was in denial and had it not been for certain things happening in my life, I may still have not sought out help. But I have began to realize that help is not for the weak, it is for us all. I tend to bring in sports references when talking about my life and about topics that I have been writing about, because it is something very familiar with me. A golfer may be on his own as far as striking the ball, but he or she has assistance from their caddies, a swing coach, and maybe even a psychologist to help with the mental aspect. A pitcher cannot beat a team on his own (no pitcher has ever struck out 27 batters in a game and even if he did, he would still have at the very least his catcher to provide assistance). Last night Matt Cain (SF Giants) through the 22nd perfect game in MLB history. Had it not been for catches made by Melky Cabrera (6th) and Gregor Blanco (7th), that would not have been the case.

My family and I have received much assistance over the past couple of weeks from many family and friends of ours. From recommendations, to groceries, to full on dinners bought for us and brought to our home, everyone has been so supportive of us in our time of great sadness. We lean on each other when things feel difficult and we have been able to lean on others as well. While we more than likely would have been good over the past couple of weeks, the help from others has made things easier to deal with. While no one can take away the pain, we have been able to cope with it more since other aspects of our lives have been catered to. I know I am forever grateful to have the love, support, and assistance of my family and friends.

We all make mistakes in life. One mistake made by many is not feeling comfortable enough to reach out to someone who cares and ask for help. It doesn't make you any less of a person to receive help. We as humans will make mistakes. Sometimes we just need someone from the outside to help show us the wrong, as well as show us the right. I am very thankful that I have finally opened my eyes and realized all of this. I feel better about myself and believe that there is still much more growth I will go through with the help of others.

Help - The Beatles (1965)

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these daya are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.